Monday, May 27, 2013
“Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.”
-David Whyte, The House of Belonging
Today marks one year since Paul and I were married in Texas. As per usual on anniversaries, I have been reflecting on my choice to marry Paul. I’m still not sure how I got so lucky.
After an abusive relationship and broken engagement at 21, I spent my twenties watching friends fall in love and get married but remained torn as my feelings of loneliness battled my fear of choosing another relationship that was not healthy. I busied myself with school, friends, and countless activities, but the loneliness grew profoundly painful, more so because I always knew my Paul was out there; I just hadn’t a clue when, where or how to find him.
When I moved to Scotland alone in the fall of 2010 I was desperate for company and terribly homesick for the people I love. Pain is not the motivator of healthy decision-making. I allowed myself to go out with people who were not right for me just for someone to talk to. Those choices nearly derailed my future as I broke my first date with Paul because I had just met and become smitten by some fool, who remains in my memory mostly because he was the LAST fool. There was a moment when I took an emotional snapshot of my situation and thought, “This is not what I want. I would rather be alone than in an unhealthy relationship.” I smartened up and lucky for me, Paul gave me another chance, and just look where it lead! I remember taking another emotional snapshot a couple of weeks after Paul and I started dating. I realized that he was exactly the caring, reliable and affectionate partner I had always needed, and at that moment made what remains to this date my healthiest life decision: I grabbed on and didn’t let him go. I still can’t believe my luck in finding that he needed me too. He is so good at being married he should teach classes. I will forever endeavour to be half as devoted and loving a partner as he is to me.
So today I send out gratitude for all the unhealthy, fear-based decisions I have made in my life and for the painful lessons learned. If it weren’t for the wrong choices, I would never have recognized the right choice when he came calling. And today I re-dedicate myself to seeking the healthy choices for the future . . . the ones that bring me alive.
Photo by Lauren McGlynn